TO: Editor, Kallisti Magazine
FROM: Wm. E. Allendorf, prop, Black Hole Ashram
DATE: January 22, 1984
re: Aliens, etc.
At a recent one of our regular weekly socials at the Black Hole
Ashram of the Devine Nurn, we had a couple of newcomers disappear
from the chanting. At first, we thought nothing of it--people
wander off to practice tantric exercises in privacy all the time.
However, after an hour, we all began to smell the telltale stench
of fuming acetone, and we knew that we had been tricked again by
We waited another hour so that they could finish the job and then
set about locating the egg cases. It's funny, but even beyond
the danger and revulsion of "walking in" on copulating
extra-terrestrials, we all feel love-making is a private affair
for all sentients.
We found them next to the water heater in the basement. The
rapidly decomposing corpses of the couple were fuming a large
acetone cloud. J.W., the sergeant-at-arms, an I went back up to
don protective suits and respirators. Two hours had already
elapsed, so we had to work quickly.
The half dozen egg cases were bloating. J.W. spread out boric
acid to lower the pH and arrest their development. That also
stopped the bubbling acetone that comes off the dead parents and
protects the young while they are still in embryo. Depending on
ambient temperature, there is a 2-3 hour window to get the
buggers before they are able to protect themselves with their
jaws. There's a lot of truth to that old joke about getting them
while they're young, before they grow teeth.
J.W. flipped me for the fist try on the biggest case--already the
size of a football. I lost, so I had all the fun. I cut through
with a 6" hole saw on a 3/8" drill. It took 3 minutes for the
outer case and another minute for the inner. I asked J.W. for
the time--2:25 elapsed is cutting it close. J.W. winked at me
through the face plate.
There is something about plunging your hand into the embryonic
fluid of an overripe alien. You scare yourself by remembering
the pictures of the adolescent's jaw structure, the king-size ice
tongs they loose as they molt into their near-human adult form. I
took a deep breath, chanted the Hymm to Nurn and dug in.
I missed and caught the critter by the legs. He swung his little
head around and latched onto my glove something awful. I would
have lost the hand, but the the leathery exoskeleton was still
soft. It bent; I got a good pinch, but no real pain. I still
panicked and jerked the sucker out through the hole--breaking his
back as I wedged him out. J.W. nailed him with a claw hammer and
that was it.
The rest were simple: two of the five remaining were infertile
and the last one was a two-header--cute, but not survivable. So
much for an evening's entertainment.
I think its terrible the governemt refuses to do anything about
the alien nuisance. The property damage from extra-terrestrials
in Clifton alone is staggering. Many beautiful and historical
buildings are getting shit-canned because the Feds won't step in
an get rid of them once and for all. The recent closing of
Sander Hall at U.C. and the state of its Old Tech building are
testament to the senseless waste that is affecting all of us.
Prop., The Black Hole Ashram