TO: Yonish Awadaba, Logistics Coordinator, Swami Bogananda
FROM: Wm. Allendorf, Prop. Black Hole Ashram
DATE: October 6, 1989
RE: Relocation of Ashram
It was with great anticipation that the Black Hole Ashram decided
to move from its location on the Heights to new spacious
accommodations in Wyoming. We were delighted to have a new start
and a new mission: bringing the light of the Divine Nurn to a
needy suburbanite community.
This is not to say that all has gone well. When we initially
approached Al Naish Moving and Storage, the salesman queried us
on the size of the house. My reply was: three stories, three
rooms on each; there was also a full basement. The third story
was being used for storage since many of the initiates were still
off on sabbatical.
"That's what we call a six-room house. No problem sir." said the
salesman. "We'll have three men on you job, and it'll take about
six hours. We start between eight-thirty and nine."
"But-" I had forgotten to explain about naked singularities.
Although I had intended to abbreviate my discussion of the
cosmological principles of Black Holes, I thought it prudent to
warn the salesman. However, he had rung off before I could get a
word in edge-wise.
The first group of movers showed up fashionably late. I had just
finished spraying the second and third-floor singularities with
WD-40 to get the last of the available mass removed. Jeff, the
foreman, went on a tour of the house.
"This goes. . . This stays. . . Ooops that just popped up-- I
guess that goes too. . . Oh no! It's slipping back past the
event horizon. Here, Jeff. Hold this while I spray it again.
Hmmmm. I hadn't realized we had all those. I guess they go.. ."
Jeff's mouth dropped as he witnessed the mass of the Hole
shifting in and out of the singularities. I urged him to get his
men moving so that the expanding volume of mass would not exceed
the capacity of the building.
"If that happens," I said. "We'll all be lucky if the building
just collapses. If the conditions are right, the naked
singularities will begin reabsorbing the mass, and we'll either
get sucked in the gravitational under-toe, or we'll all get
lethally dosed with X-Rays as all this imploding mass crosses the
event horizon simultaneously."
Jeff didn't understand, but he didn't like the sound of it. He
called in to the office for support. A second truck showed up by
1500. By this time, ejecta from the singularities was emanating
from the windows. Clothes, stereos, and small appliances made
for a spectacular cascade. The third truck showed up at 1800.
The ranks of movers swelled to ten, then back to eight, as two
disappeared for a while on the third floor.
At one point, it looked like the Hole was indeed going to
collapse and implode. A chain of movers and initiates quickly
moved the surplus furniture from the top floor to the truck to
"What did you say this was." Asked one mover.
"It's a Black Hole." I said. "A cosmological phenomena where a
large mass is compressed into a very small volume. The
gravitational attraction of this mass is so great that light
itself cannot even escape."
"A cosmo-whosical mass. . huh," he replied. "I see what you
"I've seen this before." said Pappy, a sixty-eight-year-old mover
from Oregon. He had come out of retirement after undergoing
triple-bypass surgery. The exercise was good. " I've seen places
like this before. But I never knewed anyone would be so stupid
as to call in a mover before everything was packed."
"I've never seen any moving company not send out a salesman to
estimate a job this big before." said one of the initiates. At
this point tensions reached a breaking point and a mutiny was
afoot. The impending crush of an imploding building might have
caused them to return to work. However, I announced that pizza
would be served at the new Hole in Wyoming for all who could
finish the job and make the trip. This got everyone's mind back
on the business at hand.
The movers began off-loading in Wyoming at 1930, and were
completed by 2250. Pizza was delivered by La Rosa's. At
midnight, I ventured back to the Clifton Hole to retrieve any
objects that might have popped out of their holes after we left.
I worked until 0500 the next morning. My last task, of course,
was removing the naked singularities from each room for
transplant in Wyoming. I had to make two trips and bring an
extra vehicle for transporting them the next day.
Now the task of re-stuffing the Holes is ahead of us. With each
item we shove past the Event Horizon we praise the cargo from
which Nurn's Blessing flows. As we paid off the moving company
from the Ashram's coffers, Jeff the Foreman summed up the
experience this way: "Mister Allendorf, thank you very much for
everything. If you should need the services of Al Naish in the
future, feel free to call United Van Lines."