The Black Hole Ashram, Cincinnati, Ohio
9 January, 1982
Swami Bogananda Mission of the Divine Nurn
C/O A. Habeebur Rahman Sons, Tabacconists
Thank you so much for the inspiration you brought to the Hole. I
see now that the idea of installing burglar alarms in the Hole is
totally against your teachings. I called back Warner Amex
Security and told them to cancel the order. The Great Nurn has
rewarded us with an answer to our prayers for security. You were
right in asking us to wait, for our solution came most
unexpectedly and has filled our nights of late with enjoyment and
Jesus Wept Bear In Heat showed up on our doorstep just after New
Year's. He has taken the back room on the third floor. Ever
since the buglary in July, all of us here at the Hole have been
worried that the intruders might return for the computer
equipment, the gun collection, and the sacred water pipes. but
J.W. Bear In Heat has gone a long way to restoring our security.
J.W. or "DORK" as we have come to call him is a full-blooded
Yellow Hand Sioux Indian (our kind--not yours). He is well over
6'5", and a Vietnam veteran. Dork showed up in response to the
leaflets we left at the Greyhound bus station during the Holiday
Recruitment Bonanza. (By the way--who won the big prize this
year?) We gave him a good meal and thawed him out in the Jacuzzi.
He said he had been released from the hospital and had no where
to go, so Brother Austin decided that since we needed someone to
help with the chores, we would take Dork in on probation.
Dork carries a traditional Indian given name. His father was a
proud lobbyist for the Yellow Hands during the Roosevelt
administration. His mother, however, was a converted
pentecostalist. "Jesus Wept" is a randomly chosen verse from the
King James Bible-- I believe the shortest. His brother, Refrain
From Masturbation Bear In Heat, was not so lucky.
Due to his fundamentalist upbringing, Dork did not take kindly to
the meditation and fasting regimen. Under the circumstances,
however, it was decided to bend the rules a bit. He was truly
needy case. He is good at many things: besides cleaning the
Jacuzzi and taking out the trash, he has helped us a lot in
constructing a shooting range in part of the unused attic space.
I was not around when Dork first came. I was in New York,
celebrating New Year's eve in the penthouse of our 42 Street
Ashram. Some of the Buddists from downstairs came over and
shared their chanting with us--very charged, and then gave a
short make-up demonstration for the delight of our women. They
have a franchise for Amster Body Essence Products, and I was a
bit surprized to see our girls spending so much.
As you say: "An Eye for a bargain is an Eye trained to receive
Oh, I am forgetting about Dork. You probably wonder why we call
him that. Well he is rather well endowed, and is always proud to
show off his gifts to any inquisitive person--expecially when he
was as nervous as he was when he first came to us. Ed of Io has
been slipping him muscle relaxants lately, so he has been less
inclined to spread his seed on the furniture.
We tease Dork a lot about his being our watchdog. Dork just
laughs sadly and says it makes him feel good to have someone to
protect again. He occasionally talks about his experiences in
Nam, but his memory is cloudy. He has this sort of divet in his
head which is covered by a blaze of grey hair. That is where a
section of his skull was blown away by a stray piece of tank,
which is what he was guarding at the time he was wounded. As
best we can tell, he was always given the task of guarding
"Man came to me," Dork said, "He say to guard shithouse. So I
guard shithouse. No gook come and blow up us when we take crap.
Man come and tell me to guard tree, so I guard tree. No gook
come and shoot us from tree. I was good guard. No gook come and
blow us up when I was on guard." He usually stops before the
tank part--something about that part of the story always sets him
off, and we have to call Dr. Lee and have her come over and shoot
him up with Thorazine.
Things have not been all great about Dork. We have to make
certain that he's really dosed up good on Saturday night so that
he sleep through until afternoon on Sunday. The Korean Methodist
church is right up the street, and the first Sunday Dork was
here, he broke into the weapons locker and started raking the
church with 9mm from one of the Uzi's. Luckily everyone was
inside, and he only killed a dog and chipped a few bricks. He
admits that he has a hard time telling orientals apart.
Which reminds me, do you think that you could write to the
federal firearms inspector? Dork is trying to get a collector's
license, and I am certain that an internationally known person
such as yourself would be able to pull quite a bit of weight. Let
I've got to go now and start patching the ceiling in the men's
dormitory. Dork had a bad dream last night and went at his
waterbed matress with a bayonet. Dr. Lee came over, and just
came down to tell me that he's resting comforatably now. We all
agree that he will make a much better deterrent for burglars if
we don't try to discourage him.
Blessed is the Nurn. Peace be to followers of Nurn. Say hello
to your wife.
Most devotedly yours,
P.S. Would you tell dear Mr. Habeebur that the Mint Bidis are a
big hit, and we would like to know who is distributing them in
the States. They taste and smell so much like a joint that two
of our diciples have been picked up on possession. Both times
they have found the cigarettes to be a great way of breaking the
ice with the cops. Three of the policemen encountered in this
way have later shown up with their wives for the all-night chant
and hot-tub socials.